It’s that time of week again – our resident columnist Dan Thomas takes a (slightly cynical) look at the weekends English Premier League action. Take it away Dan…
The smoke has drifted away from another weekend of action in “the best league in the world” (Sky Sports ™) and every broadcaster can now put video packages involving Katy Perry’s song “Firework” away for another 12 months as the season of silly celebrations draws to a close. Any attempts to lock Katy Perry in a room with this author for 12 months would be greatly appreciated.
There was a distinct lack of boom boom at Anfield as a superb defensive effort from Swansea City held Liverpool at arm’s length in a goalless draw. Brendon Rodgers will no doubt be ecstatic as his charges held the admittedly flat hosts to a point which was the least they deserved. Andy Carroll hit the bar as Liverpool continued their woodwork conquest as they hit the frame of the goal for the 11th time this season. Reports Gerard Houllier was overheard quoting this statistic as the reason Liverpool deserved to win that, and every game, are unconfirmed.
In the weekend’s early kick off, Everton fans made the trek up to St James Park as Newcastle United continued their dream start to the season with a 2-1 win over their sleepy visitors. A comedy own goal from Kung-Fu Heitinga and a rocket (mission to include Bonfire Night joke completed) from Ryan Taylor was enough to get wor Toon over the finishing line in spite of a call up, ummm I mean a goal from therookiesensationJackRodwell. The Geordies maintain their third place, pet.
Whoops. Heitinga opens the scoring. For the Magpies.
Arsenal continued their recent resurgence with a thumping 3-0 win over West Brom as Robin van Persie scored his 65th goal of the calendar year to open the scoring. For the second week in a row, the Baggies failed to turn up. West Brom manager Roy Hodgson was last seen sat in a tree, hooting and dewibewating whether or not to throw his coat on the floor and indeed if he should put it back on.
At Villa Park, Norwich goalkeeper John Ruddy continued his post Anfield wonder performance with his second poor mistake in two games as he allowed himself to be dispossessed by GAbriel Agbonlahor (not Gabriel, GAbriel) who bagged himself a tap in and an England call up. Darren Bent scored twice, all three Villa goals following a whizz banger of a free kick from Karl Pilkington. What? Villa clung on for a 3-2 win.
Chelsea put their recent poor form behind them with a narrow 1-0 win at Blackburn, whose fans were not allowed to protest at incompetent, sorry, incumbent manager Steve Kean. To give the home side their due they did their talking on the pitch and missed a couple of great chances to get a goal of their own; their best a hilarious back header from Branislav Ivanovic that thundered off the crossbar. Mourinho-lite will be pleased to have got their season back on track. Allegations of Blackburn fans throwing hotpots to communicate their dissatisfaction at full time instead of banners are unfounded.
Torres added to his collection of missed sitters this season during Chelsea's 1-0 win
Manchester United celebrated 25 years of Fergie Time by renaming a stand and grinding out a narrow 1-0 win over Manchester United Reserves Sunderland. Wes Brown scoring the only goal of the game. That’s Wes Brown now of ‘Sunderland’. The Howard Webb stand was sold out for the match. Crucially, United kept their second clean sheet since their 6-1 mauling and the champions have bounced back from that huge result in a very positive fashion.
After scoring 115 goals in 4 games, Manchester City were held to just the 3 by a spirited QPR who had the audacity to score twice, and even first, against the champions elect. Neil Warnock will be pleased by the spirit his team has shown in this match after a struggle against 9-men and Spurs a few weeks ago. He was however reportedly furious at the voltage of the bulbs used to illuminate the Loftus Road tunnel. Roberto Mancini was unavailable for comment as he could not circumnavigate David Platt’s head in order to speak to the press.
Taking us onto the Sabbath, Wolves defeated Wigan 3-1, with the visitors now chalking up 8 consecutive losses. Quite brilliant goalkeeping from Ali Al Habsi was not enough to prevent the hosts from winning. The hosts however were booed throughout for failing to score during the warm up, passing sideway instead of forwards and giving the ball away from long goal kicks. Roberto Martinez was reportedly spotted rocking himself to sleep in a corner of the Molyneux tunnel asking himself why he didn’t take the Villa job.
So Bolton‘s poor run started with a 5-0 loss to Stoke City, perhaps their revival and recovery will resume with a resounding result. Stoke just can’t get their head around Sunday games following European Football and this weekend was no different. Howard Webb was surrounded by early controversy as he allowed a quick free kick following a back pass to be bundled home by Kevin Davies. Never seen it before, never will again if we’re honest. Visiting goalkeeper Asmir Begovic may not be growing a ‘tache for Movember but he was in a charitable mood as he gave the ball away for Chris Eagles’ first goal and should have kept out Ivan Klasnic’s first.
Bolton. Happy at last
The Stoke custodian was reportedly bombarded with angry tweets by some Stoke fans after the match requesting he refunds them their ticket price. I have not been able to verify whether or not the Bosnian replied to one tweet with “LOL £30″ but if he didn’t, he should have. A welcome footballing equivalent of a box of treacle toffee for Owen Coyle.
In the final game of the weekend, a spirited Fulham performance was not enough to see off Spurs, who can thank Brad Friedel for a string of brilliant saves. Jermaine Defoe continued his habit of contributing nothing other than popping up with a goal and Aaron Lennon scored a wonder goal after beating 5 people but then failed to find a Spurs player again all afternoon.
And if that is Gareth Bale’s goal, the dubious goals panel might as well retire. Hopefully, John Motson will join them very soon.
As a fillip, there’ll be no Premier League action next week as pointless international football rears its ugly head again with pointless international friendly matches. John Terry will also be rearing his ugly head – he is in the squad. Making debuts will be Daniel Sturridge and therookiesensationJackRodwell, both who have been called into the squad. Big absentees are Rio Ferdinand, who tweeted simply the word “merked” upon hearing the news, and Wayne Rooney. Rooney channelled his jugheaded Neanderthal rage by kidnapping a Montenegrin, using them as a punch bag in his basement for two hours before sending them on their way with a signed copy of his book ‘wot he writtened’, complete with the crayon he signed it with.
Coach Fabio Capello was too busy filming the new series of Bo Selecta to comment on his squad.
Until next time then, peace out.
This article was produced by Daniel Thomas. For more from Dan, you can follow him on Twitter here.
